Ponderings

[tarod45]

So, after rewatching bits of 5x03 (and, am I actually going to have to start memorizing episode titles soon?), I slept on the whole thing, and I pondered. I pondered deeply.

First things first, I guess. I spent some time reading ep reactions, and a number of fans seem to have come to the consensus that Dean was lying when he said he was happier without Sam. I can see where they're coming from, I can. But, really? I don't think Dean was lying. I think he was being entirely honest. Now, do I think that that's the entire story, and that's where SamnDean ends? No, of course not. But I think people are barking up the wrong tree with "Total denial!"

Dean says that he hasn't had that much fun, been that unconcernedly happy with Sam in years. Let's examine that, yeah? There were lots of Season 1 references this episode: Jess, mentions of Stanford, the fact that Sam is highly educated, absent fathers, Dean talking about the search for John. I'm probably missing some. I mentioned in my reaction last night that probably the last time that Dean had, in fact, actually laughed that hard and had that much fun was during the prank war in Season 1. (I'll have to go back and rewatch Hell House to check: I know that was the last time we saw Sam laugh that hard -- or, practically at all, really -- but I think Dean was having a good time, too.) So, I don't think the S1 references were just a coincidence. I think we're meant to be reminded that, despite Sam being hurt and lost and angry over Jess' death, and Dean being paranoid over Sam maybe leaving again, they were happy together then.

After S1, though? John dies. Sam has the demon and his horrible destiny hanging over their heads. John and Sam are both telling Dean that he may have to kill Sam. Then Sam dies, and Dean sells his soul. Sam is understandably angry over the deal, and is more interested in trying to save Dean -- including in ways that Dean most definitely doesn't approve of -- than in really paying much attention to Dean. Dean has to deal with the fact that he's going to spend eternity in Hell, that he's going to become one of the horrible black-eyed bastards that have caused all of this. He watches Sam travel down darker and darker roads. And then he dies and goes to Hell. He comes back to find a Sam who, as far as he's concerned, has gone off the deep end. Who repeatedly chooses Ruby and revenge over Dean. And he has angels telling him that, oh yeah, you started the apocalypse, and it's your job to fix it, all while they lie to him and manipulate him and threaten both him and Sam. And then Lucifer is free, and the apocalypse, the end of the world, is a go.

Dean has not had a fun three years. The crap pretty much started with the cabin in Devil's Trap, and hasn't stopped since. Has in fact gone from a light drizzle of crap up to a freakin' firestorm of crap. And the vast majority of the crap? Has been centered around his relationship with Sam. There has barely been a moment for Dean in the past three years where he hasn't been obsessing over some awful thing connected with Sam.

He may have to kill Sam. He sold his soul for Sam. He's going to Hell for Sam. Sam might not have come back right. Sam's getting darker and darker trying to save Dean. Sam may never be happy. Angels are threatening Sam. Sam won't listen to him. Sam is choosing a demon over him. Sam may be(come) a monster. Sam started the apocalypse.

No, Dean hasn't really had so much as a moment to stop obsessing over Sam in one way or another, and none of those ways are good ways. The shit just keeps hitting the fan in larger and larger amounts, and almost all of it has to do with Sam.

Is it any wonder that he may be a bit burned out worrying about Sam? That he may be having some trouble remembering a time when circumstances and the boys' own decisions haven't conspired to make their connection feel more like being wrapped in barbed wire than anything? That he might, perhaps, have started to have trouble being able to distinguish circumstance from those decisions?

So. Now the two have separated. Do I think that all is sunshine and puppies in Dean's world? No. Do I think that Dean doesn't still love Sam more than anything in the world? Certainly not. What I do think is that Dean is letting himself take the "out of sight, out of mind" approach to coping. I think that he's allowing himself to stop obsessing over all of the horrible, horrible crap that's been between him and Sam for years now. Does that mean that the crap -- and the love that makes all of the crap so horrible -- isn't still there? No, of course not. Dean is the master of sweeping shit under the carpet and then ignoring the stinking lump in the middle of the room. But, do I think that Dean is lying about being happier? No.

Dean hasn't had much fun for the past three years. Circumstances have been increasingly horrifying. Circumstances and the mistakes that both the boys have made in response to those circumstances have turned their relationship into something toxic. By letting that relationship go, temporarily, Dean is no longer so preoccupied that he can't allow himself to enjoy life. To have fun. And while I tend to think that he's mistaking contentment for happiness, I can see where he would be much happier than he has been for quite some time now.

All of that being said, though, the smelly lump in the middle of the room is still there. Dean hasn't gotten rid of it. All he's doing now is ignoring his issues. There will come a time -- very soon, I'd imagine -- when he's going to be forcibly reminded that, oh yeah, he does still care. That he can't stop caring. That he wouldn't be Dean if he ever stopped caring about Sam. What I really hope Dean takes away from this time apart is that the crap isn't all there is to his relationship with Sam. I hope that he can remember that he was happy with Sam when circumstances were better, and that circumstances either change or can be overcome. I hope that he comes to realize that, while, yes, both he and Sam made mistakes, those mistakes can be forgiven. I hope that he can learn that he can love and care for Sam, enjoy Sam's company, and want to protect Sam, without shouldering the all of the crap, the obsessive worry that poisoned the good things in this relationship. If he can do that, then I have no doubt that he and Sam will very shortly be back together, and stronger for this time apart, less likely to tear each other to pieces.

I know that Show is very much based on Sam and Dean being fucked-up and codependent, but I can't help just wanting them to be happy. And, unfortunately, if they continue on with the crap, they'll never be anything but miserable with one another.

Wow. You know, when I sat down, I didn't intend to spend more than a couple of short paragraphs on that.

What I really sat down wanting to talk about is the angels. Specifically, the question of the vessels.

So, Dean is Michael's vessel, and Sam is Lucifer's. I'm curious, though. What does that actually mean? Does Dean have "Property of St. Michael the Archangel" stamped on his ass, and Sam have "Property of Lucifer, Lord of Hell" on his? Both Michael and Lucifer seem to be pretty specific in their requirements: Michael refuses even to come down to Earth until Dean consents to be his vessel; Lucifer seems to need Sam before he can do anything major. On the other hand, Lucifer did take a different host, in the absence of Sam. He's made it very clear that Nick is a temporary solution, that he was scraping the barrel when he picked him. But he did take another vessel. So clearly he's not restricted to Sam. Makes you wonder why Michael didn't choose an alternate host when Dean refused -- if only so that he could do what Lucifer's doing, using the alternate to talk to the primary and try to convince him to let him in.

And what makes Dean so specifically perfect for Michael? What makes Sam so specifically perfect for Lucifer? Could either of them be possessed by other angels, or just those two? Could they switch it up, Lucifer in Dean and Michael in Sam? Does every angel have a specific host out there for them? Was Jimmy Castiel's specific host? It didn't seem like it: Castiel seemed pretty indifferent to whether he was in Jimmy or Claire.

Also. Alright, I got the impression back in S4 that only certain people could see/hear angels, and those people were vessels. Dean very definitely couldn't see/hear Castiel when he tried to talk to him unembodied. I had assumed that that meant that Dean was off-limits as an angelic vessel. Neither Dean nor Sam seemed to be taking Lucifer's presence well in 5x01 -- and Sam is apparently Lucifer's perfect vessel. How does that work? I mean, Castiel spoke to Jimmy before possessing anyone in order to convince him to consent. Lucifer was able (in a way) to speak to Nick before possessing him. Why would he be unable to speak to his intended vessel without possessing someone else first? Why can't Michael talk directly to Dean?

Back in 4x01, Castiel was definitely surprised that Dean wasn't one of those "special people" who could see/hear him. So, maybe this is an actual issue that they'll address at some point. Perhaps Sam and Dean's exposure to Hell (the forms of demon blood and an actual visit, respectively) screwed up the process? Except, why would Azazel have made the process any harder on Lucifer than it had to be? Perhaps it was just one of those necessary steps backward in order to take two steps forward?

Oh well. For the moment, at least, I'll sit back and see what Show comes up with. I'm not picking at anything, I'm just curious.

I kinda get the feeling there was something else I wanted to talk about when I sat down, but this is already massively long, and I've forgotten. I'll come back to it if I remember.