Miscellanea Exotica

I dropped a computer on my toe, this morning. It's not broken, but a fair amount of skin got ripped off. A lot of the skin is still attached, and it's grey. I nearly passed out and did throw up when I tried to move it. It might be a good idea, actually, to go to an emergency room for this.

I have no health insurance, and not so much as a single sick day from work. I've cleaned it, put some Neosporin on it, and wrapped it like a frickin' mummy. And now I'm going to work and hoping for the best.

...Sometimes, life really sucks.

May I just say that being a real live adult, with a real live office job sucks giant donkey dong?

Work has been keeping me busy, and I've been spending a lot more time reading actual honest-to-god books. Which would be a good thing if only I would just read the ones I've already got and wouldn't insist on going out and buying new ones.

I've noticed an odd trend, though, you see. The authors that I am currently crazy for?

Ursula LeGuin
Patrica McKillip
Elizabeth Bear
Kelly Link
Genevieve Valentine
Catherynne Valente

I have no idea if it means anything or not, but it used to be I read primarily male authors. Suddenly, I'm leaning heavily toward female authors. I will have to give this more thought.

However, if I can recommend only one thing that I've read so far this year? I'd recommend Catherynne Valente's The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making. It's a children's book, yes; but it's the sort that a child will read and love, and when she goes back to it years and years later, she'll have an entirely different experience of the book, and quite likely an improved experience. As an adult, I love it for just what it is.

Oh, god, yum. I do love parmesan-encrusted chicken. I don't make it often enough. And hey, miracle of miracles, the crust actually came out nice this time. Usually, it's so thin and falls off when it's cooking, but this time it was nice and solid and it stayed on till I could eat it.

Also, while the pumpkin spice cake was an abysmal failure (seriously, I have no idea if I made it wrong or if it was supposed to taste like that, but it was terrible; no one could even pretend to like it), I have found a new cake for Thanksgiving! Although the baking of it involved a couple of... ahem, blunders, the orange cranberry cake has received the seal approval from Aunt D and Uncle B, and so is a go. God, I just want to make that cake again. It was so good, I just can't stand it.

But! I dunno, is it possible to feel vaguely adulterous about cake? I love the orange cranberry cake. I am committed to the orange cranberry cake. I'm taking the orange cranberry cake home to meet my family. But... the cranberry streusel cake looks delicious. I lust to make this cake. It is new, and exciting, and unknown.

Sigh. I will be faithful. I'm the good girl settling down with the investment banker orange cranberry cake while fantasizing about the bad boy cranberry steusel cake.

Seriously. I can't make the streusal cake. I'm not going to take anything to Thanksgiving that I haven't already tried, and if I make this cake, someone has to eat it. I'm sure as hell not eating a whole cake by myself, and I don't have anyone else to give it to. At least, no one who is not going to look at me and ask me "Why are you giving me a cake?" or, "Why are you trying to make me fat?"

Maybe next year.

Can it be Thanksgiving now?

Today, I made chicken marsala and pumpkin spice cake from scratch.

I find this equally hilarious and awesome. A couple of years ago, I could not even have conceived of being able to make anything from scratch. For chicken marsala, I'd go to a restaurant. For the pumpkin spice cake, I'd either look for a mix at the grocery store, or wait for someone else to bake it. I would have been horrified at the idea of having to deal with flour, and eggs, and cooking wine. Today? I had some chicken breasts that I wanted to eat, and I searched till I found a recipe where I had almost everything I needed, and I just made it. As it happens, it came out tasting a little odd, but not bad. Certainly edible, and a lot cheaper than a restaurant. As for the cake? It doesn't even occur to me anymore to look for store-bought mixes. I spent about fifteen minutes in the baking aisle last night, and I don't think I even looked at them.

The pumpkin spice cake in question is an experiment for Thanksgiving. Since Aunt D makes dinner, and is forever stressing out about it, I try to help by providing dessert. Last year's pumpkin dump cake was a total flop, so I'm looking for something different. Pumpkin in general doesn't seem to be all that popular with this particular Thanksgiving crowd, but it's traditional, goshdarnit. So, I'm trying out recipes. This particular cake is pumpkin, but it's at least as much spice cake, with a healthy dose of chocolate. Hopefully it turns out. I'm going to see Aunt D tomorrow, so I'll be taking a couple of pieces with me, and see whether she thinks it'll work. If not, there a few fruity cakes and cobblers I can try.

That last sentence makes the me of a couple of years ago shake her head in amazement.

This is why I don't waste my money on those lovely leather journals that you see everywhere: I get started, and I do well enough with writing for a while, then I start to taper off until it just sits there abandoned for evermore.

Ahem. Anyway.

So, lately, I've spent a fair amount of time over at the spnpermanon Big Bang posts. Not too much time, since, though I've been pleasantly surprised at how civilized the whole thing has been, it's still annoyingly bitchy at times. Anyway, while there, I've seen the nonnies moaning about the lack of decent Sam/Dean porning. I actually think they're pretty justified in their complaints: there really hasn't been much. Most of the Wincest that's been posted has been badly written, unremittingly bleak, or almost completely lacking in sex. I absolutely see where people are coming from. I'm just a bit startled at myself that I don't really care.

Well. I mean, I could do without the badfic, but that's always the case, and I'm philosophical about it. Sturgeon's Law applies to Big Bang like most things, and you just have to accept the 90 pieces of crap along with the 10 pieces of awesomeness. And really, when you put it like that, the ratio of good to bad is actually not that bad. I'll also admit that it wouldn't have hurt my feelings if the authors had felt like writing slightly more cheerful stories this year. But I can even understand that: Supernatural hasn't exactly been a particularly cheerful show lately, and I can see where authors would be inspired to write fairly depressing stories. And I like a good bittersweet ending from time to time, so it's all good. Even if my "from time to time" has gotten a bit compressed lately.

What surprises me is how not-upset I am over the tepidness of the Sam/Dean. It's not like after S4. I'm not bitter. I feel more honest affection for both Sam and Dean than I have since I started watching the show. I still love Sam/Dean. I haven't jumped ship for another pairing: I'm extremely fond of Sam/Jess, Sam/Ruby, and Sam/Castiel, but wincest is still the pairing that rules them all. But. I dunno. When the fics lately just stop short of getting into sex or the nitty of the boys' romance, I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

I've noticed this since the finale. I think I read practically every 5.22 coda that was written -- and that was a hell of a lot of codas, let me tell you. And of those, the only ones that jumped out at me as being hard to buy were the wincest. Whether it was gen or Dean/Lisa, I found I just didn't want the boys falling into bed after Sam got back. I'm not entirely sure why. And since May, this has been slowly spreading to other fic. Again, it's not that I don't like wincest anymore. I've just started feeling like a romantic/sexual relationship sort of gets a little bit in the way of the boys' actual relationship. I still want them to be the center of each other's universe, but the sex has started to feel tacked on. The authors who have just hinted at a romantic relationship, or who just lightly touch on the emotional aspect -- those I find satisfying, and rather soothing.

I dunno. I think it's just that a huge part of the finale was Sam and Dean finally letting each other go. A sexual relationship between them is a sign of the overly involved, desperately unhappy and unhealthy codependence that they've finally managed to (tentatively) move past. Having them become involved post-S5 seems like an enormous step backwards in the progression of their relationship.

Or perhaps I'm projecting. I am so firmly off the whole dating wagon that I can barely conceive of anyone actually wanting to become involved in a sexual relationship. Maybe that's it. I haven't been been reading almost any J2 lately either, after all.

Anyway. Whatever the reason, the lighter-than-usual wincest and the slightly higher-than-average quality of the gen this Big Bang is actually pleasing me a lot more that I would have thought.

So, I seem to have broken through the block. I have four J2 AUs in my delicious account, and two more waiting in tabs, and I feel only very vaguely guilty. Fortunately, they're all massively AU, so I'm not in danger of breaking my brain. Really, as long as I make a determined effort to pretend that these people are all completely fictional characters, I'm alright.

I was rather surprised to discover that I really liked the chef!AU. Who'd'a'thunk, right? Of course, the fact that I'm kinda enamored of Top Chef (and also Hell's Kitchen; don't judge me) probably explains some of it.

And now, it is time to think about dinner. I really want a burger. However, I'm not going to be home over the weekend, and I still have most of a two-day-old rotisserie chicken, and a nearly-week-old carton of grape tomatoes that I really need to eat. Like, now. And also that already-opened bag of salad greens. I suppose I'm having another salad with chicken on top. Yay. (For the record, I like chicken onna salad. Just, you know, not almost every night for two weeks.)

But, best of all: NO CLASS ON MONDAY! HA! I get to put off my Strategic Cost homework even longer.

To Do List for Christmas Break 2009:

Knit (and knit and knit, dear god, it's ten days to Christmas and the parental unit's afghan is still only half done... *cries and cries*)

Reorganize Delicious tags (I currently have 1189 tags in 15 bundles, and it's not enough)

Read books (while fanfic is awesome, my Books To Read pile will soon achieve sentience and eat my apartment)

Play Dragon Age: Origins ('cause it's awesome, and I just haven't had time to sit down and play much)

Go through recent SPN eps for icon fodder (my most recent spn icon is from 5x03, and I need a Lucifer!Sam icon)

Go through stock.xchng for icon fodder (I also need non-fandom icons)

Exercise

Actually spend time with my father and stepmother

*sigh*

So, my group partner and I had to give a presentation for our Entrepreneurial Project (and, really, genuinely enlightening as the project has been, the most useful thing I've learned is how to spell entrepreneurial), and I think we actually did a really good job. We were confident, we didn't ramble, we didn't say "like" every other word, we didn't mumble. It was good. However, due to a combination of the other groups all going long on their presentations, and technical difficulties on our part, the professor had to leave before we could even start. So we gave our awesome presentation to the TA, instead. This after the professor commented on how the other three groups needed to work on their presentation skills (see list of things we didn't do). Such is the story of my life.

Said TA then asked me to email him a copy of my spreadsheets. Which I am about to do. And I am debating whether to ask him if he'd like to catch a bite to eat some time. Because he seems very nice, and I kinda got the impression he might be interested, and also, he's got a nose to die for. Seriously, I have a thing for noses, and his? Yum.

Alas, he's probably younger than I am. This is not an unforgivable sin, or anything. I'm just kinda on the prowl for a guy at least my age, preferably a couple of years older. Just 'cause. Unfortunately, those are a little hard to come by just at the moment: they're all off in the work force or in grad school. Y'know, where I'd like to be. Should be. Whatever.

Is it inappropriate to ask your TA who, as the only witness to your presentation, has influence on your grade, out on a date? Yeah. Yeah, it is. Oh well. Maybe next week, when the grade is in.

Hm. I've never asked a guy out before. Never had to really think about the logistics.

Back from the accounting test tonight. Damn income taxes, pension plans, and stock option compensation to hell. But mostly income taxes. I feel like my head exploded and my brain is currently splattered all over the classroom floor. The person typing this is actually the mindless zombie that once was me. Why did I want to be an accountant again?

Urgh. Anyway.

So, I'm having a bit of a crisis of conscience.

I don't read RPF. I do not read RPF. Ever. Just the thought of it creeps me the hell out. I don't judge the people who enjoy it, but RPF in any form is just my one, absolute, no-exceptions, bulletproof squick. I can't even make myself read the summaries, I'm that uncomfortable with the whole thing.

And yet. I find myself tempted. I can't help but wonder if it might not be alright to read massive AU RPF, where there's basically no real relationship between the real people and the characters in the story. You know, where the characters might as well be completely fictional, and only the names and maybe the personalities are based on the people, and the story makes nothing even remotely resembling an attempt at portraying reality.

I just. I know that there's a ton of quality RPF out there. A lot of authors that I really enjoy reading in SPN have, over the last year or two, largely jumped ship over to RPF. There were, I think, more J2 Big Bang stories this year than there were Wincest, other slash, gen, and het SPN fics combined. Several were by authors who, I swear, I cursed aloud when I found out they were doing RPF rather than SPN. I'm sure many of these stories are very good. I'd like to read them. But I am made so uncomfortable by just the idea.

I dunno. There are stories -- lots of stories -- that I'd actually really like to read. They're massively AU. They're by authors that I absolutely adore when they write SPN. I know in my head that there really isn't anything wrong with reading RPF at all. I just find it so creepy.

*sigh* I have such empathy for the folks in SPN fandom who're squicked by incest.

I think I've just talked myself into dipping my toe into the RPF pool. Let us pray that this is not a slippery slope. Because, I'm sorry, but it's just so creepy.

And to top it all off, I have Beyonce's "Single Ladies" stuck in my head. Perhaps I should take it as a sign and just get drunk. I think I'm going to bail on class tomorrow, anyway.

I've been reading fic. It's left me so upset, my stomach hurts.

I may be a little emotionally volatile just now. Everything considered, I don't think anyone can blame me.

If I'm going to be upset anyway, I'd rather concentrate on the totally trivial shit than the horrible fucking real stuff. Just about anyone could take lessons from me on avoidance. Although, it's not like there's anything to be done about it now.

Life really kinda sucks.